an ode to the insensitive

You are not there.

Not anymore.

Does not matter.

I made myself believe that I do not care.

I am happy with my job.

(ok, it’s becoming too much)

I have a job which keeps me busy( nothing more)

I have my friends, who will be beside me whenever I need them

I have books to see me through light and dark

In fact , life is ok, not perfect, but ok.

I don’t think I can complain.

But , you are not there.

Just you are not there anymore!

Farewell Senorita!!

I wish I could write it another way. I wished I wouldn't have to write this one. But then certain things are meant to be. Because certain things are just not meant to be!!!

I wanted to write so much. But there are timnes when you can explain a thousand words with just a quote.

So I am borrowing few lines from a Kishore Kumar Song:

"Jeevan ke safar mein rahi

Milte hain bichad jaane ko

Aur de jaate hain yaadeein

Tanhayeein me tadpane ko"

I just wish, ....

NEVER MIND!



that's the way it is

"I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference"

I have tried everything. I tried denial,dating,trying to move on, stopped being in touch, pretending I do noit care... and what not. nothing worked. at times I wonder what is happening with me. why this is not working out?why can't we figure out what is it that connects us? why?

the answer always eludes me.

I used to feel we were like Ross and Rachel. and one day I realize that we could even be Bing and Janice,too. which one is right? no idea!and a few days ago I felt we cud also be like Barney and Robin!

yes!! I know I watch a lot of TV Series. And I think even more.

But the truth is that life is not a film, or a tv series. the answer does not come to us after 2-3 hours or a few sessions. Sometimes the answer does not reveal it self at all.

We can only try being ourselves and do what we do best. For me that is being her friend and hopelessly being in love.

I know the clock is ticking. I'm getting old. sometimes I feel like asking her,"will you say yes when I ask you to marry me?"

and a part of me says," it doesn't work like that dwai. she doesn't know. if you value your relationship, be there for her and you will find out. if you are tired of being on the hook, go away. if you stick to this... the answer will come some day. at most, it will be no. but you will not repent thinking 'what if?'"

and I start walking on the unknown path again... I know it will be different. good or bad..only time will tell...

Good Bye, For ever

Where do lost things go?
Into non-being, that is to say everything.

(Sorry for modifying this quote, but that’s the reason why I am not using it as a quotation.)
Well…
I have made up my mind. I am not going to hope about her anymore. It’s better this way. I am not going to contact her ever again. Or ask our common friends about her whereabouts. I’ll refrain from bringing her up in any conversations with them. It’s better to let her get lost in my memories. Get lost into non-being. Go and diffuse into everything. Let her memories mix with the autumn breeze. Let the memories get enveloped into every drop of rain that will kiss the earth. Let those get lost into the darkness of night. Let the story get lost in a book which will not be opened ever again.

Amen.

lost

The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference

I have realized the uselessness of the whole situation. So I am on my own again. I do enjoy spending time with myself. Nowadays I spend most of my time reading (and most of my salary buying books from Flipkart ). So it’s kind of okay. Somehow I enjoy this new life.

But… the memories still haunt me. Sometimes, while commuting, some song starts playing on the FM bringing back flashes of conversation from the past. At times, I find her in somebody’s hair, or somebody’s smile.
I know it’s useless. But I often end up messaging after having a drink. Her name comes in my mind at the final moments of ecstasy. I keep telling myself, let go Dwai, let go. And the conversation with myself starts.
What if I was right and am wrong now? What if I read all the signs correctly? What if we r meant to be together? What if we just need some time?
Endless questions. But somehow I know the answers. Answers which I do not want to accept. Answers that I have to believe in but do not want to.
There are some riddles only time can solve. Let’s see how and when I find the key to my sanity.
I tried again and again, but I can never be indifferent about her. Does that mean, I will always…